I'm struggling.. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to deal with money problems, cooking, cleaning, or anything else... I just want to be nothing...
I'm sick of holding my head up high to escape the waters that are rushing around me and that are starting to reach my neck making it hard to breathe. The walls the are crashing down and I am finding myself alone..... I am finding myself drowning. I am sick of the struggle and I am sick of my own personal demons that I deal with daily... Can I just... Disappear?
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Hmmm So much has happened... Dont know how to put it on paper.
So, I don't know if I have mentioned this in my last blog, MONTHS ago. But I have quit my job at Target. I am working in a Medical filling job called Universata for the past four or five months now. Eric, his brother Paul, their friend Jason and I all moved into a house together. We are renting a house just a few miles away from grandma and my old house, which is rather nice.
Ohhh Good news. Grandma Doesnt hate me anymore. We are actually talking and have had a few family get togethers now where we all exchange conversation in a decent non yelling manner. It's good to not feel like the alien child of the family now where everyone avoided me like I had the black plague, and would only ask me questions Like how was Target or my job to just try and to be polite.
The past couple of months have been rough without having the majority of my family by my side. But I still have had supporters. My Mother has been every step of the way. Gave me ride when my car was broken down. offered to help me pay for a new one, let me sleep over when I wanted to just have a night to myself and let me lock myself in the bedroom to watch movies and stuff my face full of food. My aunt shari has also been a huge help. She helped pay for car repairs and other fiances and moral support. Half of my junk is packed away in her basement ever since I moved out of my grandmas house in May.
I have been thinking long and hard if I want to go back to school next semester. But I dont think that I will be able to pull of the full time job and going to school, plus the homework that comes with it. I still dont know what I really want to do when "I grow up". So for the time being I was thinking of renewing my pharmacy tech license and picking up a second night shift job somewhere. Billings are piling up and I need to pay my aunt, and some old medical bills off. So it's been pretty stressful in the life of Melody lately... Money sucks!
Ummm what else to add? Eric and I have been good. We have had our small little arguments and have been learning each others pet peeves. But thats all part of getting to know each other and little quarks you learn to deal with or learn to love about the person that you are with. I cant believe that we will be together for almost 8 months it seems like a much shorter time than that! He is my world though. My sister told me that he and I need to learn how to spend some time apart and for us to do our own things, (which we do) But I love spending time and just being with him weather we have something planned or not. just waking up in the morning next to him the whole reason why I get out of bed in the morning... He's perfect for me, and I dont care what anybody else says or thinks.
Ohhh Good news. Grandma Doesnt hate me anymore. We are actually talking and have had a few family get togethers now where we all exchange conversation in a decent non yelling manner. It's good to not feel like the alien child of the family now where everyone avoided me like I had the black plague, and would only ask me questions Like how was Target or my job to just try and to be polite.
The past couple of months have been rough without having the majority of my family by my side. But I still have had supporters. My Mother has been every step of the way. Gave me ride when my car was broken down. offered to help me pay for a new one, let me sleep over when I wanted to just have a night to myself and let me lock myself in the bedroom to watch movies and stuff my face full of food. My aunt shari has also been a huge help. She helped pay for car repairs and other fiances and moral support. Half of my junk is packed away in her basement ever since I moved out of my grandmas house in May.
I have been thinking long and hard if I want to go back to school next semester. But I dont think that I will be able to pull of the full time job and going to school, plus the homework that comes with it. I still dont know what I really want to do when "I grow up". So for the time being I was thinking of renewing my pharmacy tech license and picking up a second night shift job somewhere. Billings are piling up and I need to pay my aunt, and some old medical bills off. So it's been pretty stressful in the life of Melody lately... Money sucks!
Ummm what else to add? Eric and I have been good. We have had our small little arguments and have been learning each others pet peeves. But thats all part of getting to know each other and little quarks you learn to deal with or learn to love about the person that you are with. I cant believe that we will be together for almost 8 months it seems like a much shorter time than that! He is my world though. My sister told me that he and I need to learn how to spend some time apart and for us to do our own things, (which we do) But I love spending time and just being with him weather we have something planned or not. just waking up in the morning next to him the whole reason why I get out of bed in the morning... He's perfect for me, and I dont care what anybody else says or thinks.
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