Venting for a minute..... for 12

So today, I didn't go to bed until 5:30 this morning... I have a sleeping thing.. I don't fall asleep at night for HOURS! I can be completely exhausted, like I am right now, and still not be able to fall asleep. I went to sleep probably 5:45 am, and woke up at 9:20 am... I got up and my grandma was in automatically in bitch mode... I told her a few days ago that I had plans for in the morning to get go out to eat with a good friend of mine and to get a new phone.. Well she freaked out and said a bunch of bull shit that I don't respect her and I am just using and abusing her..... I was too tired to deal with it so I just ignored it and walked out to the door to start my plans for the day... I come back in the house within minutes because my wallet was missing. I looked in my room for 15 minutes, couldn't find it anywhere.. So thinking I dropped my wallet last night when I was at a movie theater, I went over to my bank and had them freeze my account in case someone had my wallet and got a hold of my check card and all that good stuff. I came back to the house like 20 minutes later and my grandma that was bitching and complaining that I didn't respect her, was going through my room trying to find my wallet. she pretty much trashed my room, going through mt shit... Once she starts respecting me and my belongings, maybe I'll do the same.

Anyways.. I finally found my wallet, So I started my day, went out to eat, got my new phone.. then I went home.. My friend Matt and I were just sitting down in the kitchen trying ti figure out how my new phone works, and gma starts throwing a fit how I dont do anything and the "dog shit" needs to be picked up... Seriously, I had these plans for a week.. and you are making yourself look like a crazy old lady in front of one of my best friends.. Who now thinks she completely nuts.

So after she made herself look like a crazy, Matt (my friend) said he had to go to work, which he didn't and he just wanted to leave, which was a very good plan on his part. I picked up the dog shit, and then got ready for work..

I get home from work... Everything was ok and find and dandy.... Until I was ready to go to bed.. Gma knocks on my door and she starts talking to me, I rest my head on the door frame because I am so tried and I just wanna go to bed.. She gets upset about it and says that I am uninterested in what she says to say and that I don't care about her or anybody else but me... (which is just ridiculous because I took three days off of work to help my sister after her surgery, baby sit EVER DAY, given my siblings THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS so they can pay there bills without over drafting on there bank accounts, and I've done many other things too)

Anyways.. Gma says I dont care about anybody but me and that she doesn't like me anymore. She loves me, but she loves herself more... and all this other bull shit...

AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.. And to top it all off.. One of my sisters is pissed at me... Her boyfriend called me a worthless piece of shit, just because my sister and I got into a fight, after we made up and were all ok.. He goes "I don't want her help anymore, she's just a stupid worthless piece of shit." right to MY FACE!!!

People are just ridiculous......... Life is ridiculous..

P.s. Happy birthday to the man who gave me life and left me to fend for myself in this fucked up world.

I've been horrible at updating

I have been super busy like always and I've been so bad at blogging and posting stuff.. I really don't know what to say. I'm so tired, my sleeping is getting worse. I go to bed later and later every night it seems! I keep worrying and thinking about when will it be possible for me to get my license and to move out on my own.. My permit expires in a month from today... So I will either have to take me drivers test and pass, or renew my permit. Once I can a car I will be free. I wont have to rely on anybody but me. I can move out, find a roommate and not have to worry about anybody but me.

fed up.

I am so sick of everything right now... I can NEVER sleep at night and it's causing me to be really worn out. And I work all the time. Finding my self more and more depressed. I am the glue that keeps my family together and I am just sick of it.. I am always there for everybody whenever they need it, and they just walk all over me whenever they please... I am sick of it and I'm done trying to please everybody... It's just making me angry. Grow up and deal with your own problems like the adults and role models you are supposed to be.

Life in my little world... Thats not so little!

Well, for once I have three days off in a row... Mainly because I told my boss my one sister is having surgery and I have to take care of her and baby sit her step child. I don't think my boss was to happy with me... But she was really understanding. I don't go back until Friday... and oddly enough I will still get 25 hours in this week even though I asked for three days off.

So yesterday I just realized how difficult it was from jumping into on relationship into this new one I've been in for about a month now... With Luke I always knew what he was thinking and if he had a bad day, I always knew what to say to make him feel better. But with Al, I have no idea... He's been upset and kinda depressed lately about custody and child support stuff with his ex Amiee. It's really hard to know what to say and what to do to make help his mood.

I don't like it when people are upset or are depressed. I am a helper. I try to help everybody, which is probably why I let people use me and walk all over me. But I, myself have been dealing with depression for seven years or so now and I feel like helping people makes me feel better. I don't know.. It;s hard to explain.

But back to Al, He's amazing and makes me happy. I am so happy that I don't have to deal with a crazy controlling mother and that his family is normal and doesn't hate me. And the awkwardness between my brother, Al, and I has pretty much gone away and I feel like my brother doesn't hate me anymore for dating his best friend.

Tomorrow my sister Molly is having surgery. She'll be staying at my house because she can;t climb the two flights or stairs at her town house. So that means I'll be having little sassy miss Rylee Ann at my house a lot and I'll be the one babysitting.

I pretty much have no life... I really need a car, and money to move out. It feels so close, but yet so far away.