Goooood new folks!

So TOMORROW I have to take time off from work and I am taking my placement test for school. I am going to a Tech school near my house for a two year program for medial administrative assistant!!! YAY! Round two of college.

Struggling

I'm struggling.. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to deal with money problems, cooking, cleaning, or anything else... I just want to be nothing...

I'm sick of holding my head up high to escape the waters that are rushing around me and that are starting to reach my neck making it hard to breathe. The walls the are crashing down and I am finding myself alone..... I am finding myself drowning. I am sick of the struggle and I am sick of my own personal demons that I deal with daily... Can I just... Disappear?

Hmmm So much has happened... Dont know how to put it on paper.

So, I don't know if I have mentioned this in my last blog, MONTHS ago. But I have quit my job at Target. I am working in a Medical filling job called Universata for the past four or five months now. Eric, his brother Paul, their friend Jason and I all moved into a house together. We are renting a house just a few miles away from grandma and my old house, which is rather nice.

Ohhh Good news. Grandma Doesnt hate me anymore. We are actually talking and have had a few family get togethers now where we all exchange conversation in a decent non yelling manner. It's good to not feel like the alien child of the family now where everyone avoided me like I had the black plague, and would only ask me questions Like how was Target or my job to just try and to be polite.

The past couple of months have been rough without having the majority of my family by my side. But I still have had supporters. My Mother has been every step of the way. Gave me ride when my car was broken down. offered to help me pay for a new one, let me sleep over when I wanted to just have a night to myself and let me lock myself in the bedroom to watch movies and stuff my face full of food. My aunt shari has also been a huge help. She helped pay for car repairs and other fiances and moral support. Half of my junk is packed away in her basement ever since I moved out of my grandmas house in May.

I have been thinking long and hard if I want to go back to school next semester. But I dont think that I will be able to pull of the full time job and going to school, plus the homework that comes with it. I still dont know what I really want to do when "I grow up". So for the time being I was thinking of renewing my pharmacy tech license and picking up a second night shift job somewhere. Billings are piling up and I need to pay my aunt, and some old medical bills off. So it's been pretty stressful in the life of Melody lately... Money sucks!

Ummm what else to add? Eric and I have been good. We have had our small little arguments and have been learning each others pet peeves. But thats all part of getting to know each other and little quarks you learn to deal with or learn to love about the person that you are with. I cant believe that we will be together for almost 8 months it seems like a much shorter time than that! He is my world though. My sister told me that he and I need to learn how to spend some time apart and for us to do our own things, (which we do) But I love spending time and just being with him weather we have something planned or not. just waking up in the morning next to him the whole reason why I get out of bed in the morning... He's perfect for me, and I dont care what anybody else says or thinks.

So, it's been a while

Yesterday, as I was babysitting Eric's niece, I was watching the country music channel. And I heard this song that made me almost want to cry. It was a song about home and how it made her what she was today and how it built her. The song is called "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert . And, well. I have been getting a little homesick. I miss spending time with my family and my puppy, but I am ALWAYS working and I dont think grandma is ready for me to come around. Plus her Birthday is coming up at the end of this month, so I think if I have any leftover money, I am going to have flowers delivered to her house by Bachmans floral.

Anyways, it's about time to get off my butt and get my day started... The washer is calling my name and Eric and I have slim pickings for clean clothes!

He and I have been dating for only a short three months, been living together for a month, and I feel like we are an old married couple. We dont fight or anything, it just feels like we've been together for a long time, not three months! I love every single second of it too. He's pretty much perfect.

So stressed!

I was making a list today of all the things that I still need to get for the apartment that I am planing on moving into in the next week, It was VERY overwhelming.. The Need to Get side, was about 3 times longer than the I already Have side... So, as of right now... I am trying to relax.. and it's was working until I got a phone call and one of my friends tried committing suicide today.... So to lighten the mood, I thought I would post some updated pictures of my big brother that I found of him in basic! I see him in 6 days!!

Count Down and venting....

7 days until mine and Eric's anniversary
9 days until I move out
13 days until I drive to Oklahoma to see my big brother
20 days until grandma's surgery (hopefully)
35 days until camping out in tents in Hillman MN
245 days, 22 hours, and 15 minutes until I turn 21!!
Any second, until I lose my mind and am going to start pulling my hair out.

Remember when you were little and all you wanted to do was grow up and to become your own person? Well, for me, I want the clock to stop ticking so I can just take some time to breathe just for a moment. Growing up isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I always thought that I grew up too fast to begin with by not having my parents around at all growing up. And feeling like I was on my own when I wasn't able to talk to my grandma about things because I never thought she would understand what I was going through since she is two generations behind the times. But I really have had it kinda easy. I just wish I hadn't shut her out so much, and now she thinks I hate her and we fight CONSTANTLY. Whenever I say I love you to her, she just says, "Yeah" or something similar to that, or she doesn't say anything at all. I don't know which is worse to be honest with you.... It's times like these when I really wish I had two parents just so I could feel like I am getting some support, in some way.

Lately, I have been getting myself all depressed and stressed out. With my grandma having 80% blockage in her main artery (I don't know if I spelled that correct or not) in her neck, knowing she could stroke out at any moment, it's making me even more stressed. She's the only parent I have ever really known. I mean, I have my mom and dad. But I swear, if my mother even loses one more brain cell, you could probably call her mentally retarded. And my dad, well, he's another story. He's really never been involved in my life. until recently I only saw the man 3 times a year. And now, he's on this big Jesus and God thing. I am glad he's finding God and trying to change and we have spent more time with each other, but a phone call now and then would go a long ways. Has he really changed? Who am I to judge.... But, he goes to church 3 to 4 days a week. There is something called your family, and they need you. I need a parent who understands or just listens. Someone I can talk to, whom wont fly off the handle if I don't say what they want to hear. And also somebody that will hold me accountable and will actually be a parent and not act like a teenager themselves. (Like my Mother)

Someone once told me, it doesn't take much to be a Mother or a Father, But it takes a lot to be a mom and a dad. And it's SO true and it basically sums up how I am feeling at the moment. I need someone to lean on, because my legs are tired and I feel like I'm about to collapse at any moment.

So frustrating!!

I promise to keep this short. I am way beyond tired and stressed out right now. So today, I had plans to get up early and have a very productive day.( Which I told me grandma about, that I was going to be out and about all day) I got up at Seven and was out of the house by Eight, which is amazing because Eric didn't leave my house until in the morning. So running on 4 hours of sleep. I was running errands and I decided to stop off at Eric's at about 11 o clock and hang out for a bit before I had to go to my hair appointment at one in the afternoon. While at Eric's my phone is in my purse upstairs in the kitchen while he and I are downstairs watching t.v. It was time for me to leave to go get my hair cut, and I look at my phone and I have like 4 missed phone calls and three voicemails and like 4 texts from my sister and grandma, saying b.s. like "I don't know where you are, but you need to call me" blah blah blah blah blah... So I called my sister and ask her what the hell is going on, She tells me that I need to go home after I get my hair done and I have to pack a bag of clothes and make sure it's enough for the rest of the week because I am staying at Her place... I ask why.. "Because grandma's blood pressure is really high, and If you are gone, maybe it will eliminate that problem".... Um excuse me, Did she just tell me I am my grandma's problem.... Maybe her problem is, her sitting on her butt every night eating a whole BAG of popcorn to herself, maybe her problem is she over reacts to every little thing that I mess up on... Maybe her problem is all the salt and other unhealthy shit she eats. Not me.

Anyways, so I packed a bag and I was planning on going to Eric's for the next few days and relaxing and not stressing out so much and helping him pack and get his stuff together. But then, I get a text, Grandma changed her mind. "She's scared to be home alone at night in case something happens, so you're going home"

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Stop manipulating me, stop making me feel guilty, and stop making me feel like a pile of shit. I am my own person, I am 20 years old. Cut these string of mine, I am sick of being your little puppet and letting you dangle me on a string and mess with my emotions, the little emotions I have left.