Struggling

I'm struggling.. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to deal with money problems, cooking, cleaning, or anything else... I just want to be nothing...

I'm sick of holding my head up high to escape the waters that are rushing around me and that are starting to reach my neck making it hard to breathe. The walls the are crashing down and I am finding myself alone..... I am finding myself drowning. I am sick of the struggle and I am sick of my own personal demons that I deal with daily... Can I just... Disappear?

Hmmm So much has happened... Dont know how to put it on paper.

So, I don't know if I have mentioned this in my last blog, MONTHS ago. But I have quit my job at Target. I am working in a Medical filling job called Universata for the past four or five months now. Eric, his brother Paul, their friend Jason and I all moved into a house together. We are renting a house just a few miles away from grandma and my old house, which is rather nice.

Ohhh Good news. Grandma Doesnt hate me anymore. We are actually talking and have had a few family get togethers now where we all exchange conversation in a decent non yelling manner. It's good to not feel like the alien child of the family now where everyone avoided me like I had the black plague, and would only ask me questions Like how was Target or my job to just try and to be polite.

The past couple of months have been rough without having the majority of my family by my side. But I still have had supporters. My Mother has been every step of the way. Gave me ride when my car was broken down. offered to help me pay for a new one, let me sleep over when I wanted to just have a night to myself and let me lock myself in the bedroom to watch movies and stuff my face full of food. My aunt shari has also been a huge help. She helped pay for car repairs and other fiances and moral support. Half of my junk is packed away in her basement ever since I moved out of my grandmas house in May.

I have been thinking long and hard if I want to go back to school next semester. But I dont think that I will be able to pull of the full time job and going to school, plus the homework that comes with it. I still dont know what I really want to do when "I grow up". So for the time being I was thinking of renewing my pharmacy tech license and picking up a second night shift job somewhere. Billings are piling up and I need to pay my aunt, and some old medical bills off. So it's been pretty stressful in the life of Melody lately... Money sucks!

Ummm what else to add? Eric and I have been good. We have had our small little arguments and have been learning each others pet peeves. But thats all part of getting to know each other and little quarks you learn to deal with or learn to love about the person that you are with. I cant believe that we will be together for almost 8 months it seems like a much shorter time than that! He is my world though. My sister told me that he and I need to learn how to spend some time apart and for us to do our own things, (which we do) But I love spending time and just being with him weather we have something planned or not. just waking up in the morning next to him the whole reason why I get out of bed in the morning... He's perfect for me, and I dont care what anybody else says or thinks.

So, it's been a while

Yesterday, as I was babysitting Eric's niece, I was watching the country music channel. And I heard this song that made me almost want to cry. It was a song about home and how it made her what she was today and how it built her. The song is called "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert . And, well. I have been getting a little homesick. I miss spending time with my family and my puppy, but I am ALWAYS working and I dont think grandma is ready for me to come around. Plus her Birthday is coming up at the end of this month, so I think if I have any leftover money, I am going to have flowers delivered to her house by Bachmans floral.

Anyways, it's about time to get off my butt and get my day started... The washer is calling my name and Eric and I have slim pickings for clean clothes!

He and I have been dating for only a short three months, been living together for a month, and I feel like we are an old married couple. We dont fight or anything, it just feels like we've been together for a long time, not three months! I love every single second of it too. He's pretty much perfect.

So stressed!

I was making a list today of all the things that I still need to get for the apartment that I am planing on moving into in the next week, It was VERY overwhelming.. The Need to Get side, was about 3 times longer than the I already Have side... So, as of right now... I am trying to relax.. and it's was working until I got a phone call and one of my friends tried committing suicide today.... So to lighten the mood, I thought I would post some updated pictures of my big brother that I found of him in basic! I see him in 6 days!!

Count Down and venting....

7 days until mine and Eric's anniversary
9 days until I move out
13 days until I drive to Oklahoma to see my big brother
20 days until grandma's surgery (hopefully)
35 days until camping out in tents in Hillman MN
245 days, 22 hours, and 15 minutes until I turn 21!!
Any second, until I lose my mind and am going to start pulling my hair out.

Remember when you were little and all you wanted to do was grow up and to become your own person? Well, for me, I want the clock to stop ticking so I can just take some time to breathe just for a moment. Growing up isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I always thought that I grew up too fast to begin with by not having my parents around at all growing up. And feeling like I was on my own when I wasn't able to talk to my grandma about things because I never thought she would understand what I was going through since she is two generations behind the times. But I really have had it kinda easy. I just wish I hadn't shut her out so much, and now she thinks I hate her and we fight CONSTANTLY. Whenever I say I love you to her, she just says, "Yeah" or something similar to that, or she doesn't say anything at all. I don't know which is worse to be honest with you.... It's times like these when I really wish I had two parents just so I could feel like I am getting some support, in some way.

Lately, I have been getting myself all depressed and stressed out. With my grandma having 80% blockage in her main artery (I don't know if I spelled that correct or not) in her neck, knowing she could stroke out at any moment, it's making me even more stressed. She's the only parent I have ever really known. I mean, I have my mom and dad. But I swear, if my mother even loses one more brain cell, you could probably call her mentally retarded. And my dad, well, he's another story. He's really never been involved in my life. until recently I only saw the man 3 times a year. And now, he's on this big Jesus and God thing. I am glad he's finding God and trying to change and we have spent more time with each other, but a phone call now and then would go a long ways. Has he really changed? Who am I to judge.... But, he goes to church 3 to 4 days a week. There is something called your family, and they need you. I need a parent who understands or just listens. Someone I can talk to, whom wont fly off the handle if I don't say what they want to hear. And also somebody that will hold me accountable and will actually be a parent and not act like a teenager themselves. (Like my Mother)

Someone once told me, it doesn't take much to be a Mother or a Father, But it takes a lot to be a mom and a dad. And it's SO true and it basically sums up how I am feeling at the moment. I need someone to lean on, because my legs are tired and I feel like I'm about to collapse at any moment.

So frustrating!!

I promise to keep this short. I am way beyond tired and stressed out right now. So today, I had plans to get up early and have a very productive day.( Which I told me grandma about, that I was going to be out and about all day) I got up at Seven and was out of the house by Eight, which is amazing because Eric didn't leave my house until in the morning. So running on 4 hours of sleep. I was running errands and I decided to stop off at Eric's at about 11 o clock and hang out for a bit before I had to go to my hair appointment at one in the afternoon. While at Eric's my phone is in my purse upstairs in the kitchen while he and I are downstairs watching t.v. It was time for me to leave to go get my hair cut, and I look at my phone and I have like 4 missed phone calls and three voicemails and like 4 texts from my sister and grandma, saying b.s. like "I don't know where you are, but you need to call me" blah blah blah blah blah... So I called my sister and ask her what the hell is going on, She tells me that I need to go home after I get my hair done and I have to pack a bag of clothes and make sure it's enough for the rest of the week because I am staying at Her place... I ask why.. "Because grandma's blood pressure is really high, and If you are gone, maybe it will eliminate that problem".... Um excuse me, Did she just tell me I am my grandma's problem.... Maybe her problem is, her sitting on her butt every night eating a whole BAG of popcorn to herself, maybe her problem is she over reacts to every little thing that I mess up on... Maybe her problem is all the salt and other unhealthy shit she eats. Not me.

Anyways, so I packed a bag and I was planning on going to Eric's for the next few days and relaxing and not stressing out so much and helping him pack and get his stuff together. But then, I get a text, Grandma changed her mind. "She's scared to be home alone at night in case something happens, so you're going home"

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Stop manipulating me, stop making me feel guilty, and stop making me feel like a pile of shit. I am my own person, I am 20 years old. Cut these string of mine, I am sick of being your little puppet and letting you dangle me on a string and mess with my emotions, the little emotions I have left.

Finally feeling better... 3 weeks later

Well, my doctor called me the other day, and what he thought was mono, turns out wasn't mono... He said according to the tests he has done, I've already have had mono! (When the hell was this I would like to know!!) And I just have a very bad infection that is attacking my body. After two rounds on antibiotic, they finally knocked this infection out of me. I was really worried though. I thought that I was never going to get better! Yesterday, my lymph nodes were so swallow I was having a hard time breathing, so my grandma brought me into the doctor yet again. They did MORE blood tests (and by this time, my arms are all bruised up from the previous blood tests it looks like I am a drug addict! The picture is of my arm where they poked me with the needles! This is just my right arm the felt arm looks the same! and the flash didn't make it looks as bad as what it looks in person) I was so dehydrated from not being able to even swallow my own saliva because it hurt so bad, that it took a few pokes for the nurse to get the needle to a good vain. They took three vials of blood and ran all kinds of tests. One of the tests they were looking for the cancer, Leukemia... When they said this... I was FREAKED out! But it turns out, it was just a viral infection. It should not have lasted this long, but I haven't been listening to my body and I have been "burning the candle at both ends" As my doctor said. I guess going to parties and not coming home at all, or coming home at 5 in the morning and having to get up 3 hours later and having to go to work hasn't been a good idea for the past two months. Of course I'll never admit it, but in a away, grandma was kinda.... sorta.. ok yes, she was right. I thought, shit! I am young, I am 20, going on 21. I can do whatever and I will bounce back NO PROBLEM! Well, I was clearly wrong. Since I ended up at North Memorial twice in the past week because of this stupid virus. But, I am feeling MUCH BETTER!! Today I have my voice back and I don't sound like a sexy man anymore. And I can eat solid foods, and drink soda without tears coming to my eyes! Ohhh and I can smoke without feeling like my throat needs a fire extinguisher.

I have a question though! Ok, so my boyfriend Eric and I went out on a date, and one our way home we stopped and picked up his friend, so his friend could finish fixing his car. While Eric was inside, I was outside having a smoke with his buddy John. And I was complaining to John, like "Oh it sucks, I am 20 years old and I have to be home by 10:30 tonight because grandma wants me to be home early because I am getting over being sick" And John goes "Yeah Eric was telling me about you being sick and all I kept hearing was how amazing you are and that he loves you" SHOCKING!! Eric and I don't say I love you to each other. I think I may have slipped and said it once or twice while I had been drinking, but he told his buddy that he loves me. So, I don't know! Eric and I have officially been dating for 3 weeks! (3 weeks today!) but we've been an item for two months. Thanks to my previous relationship (from hell I might add) saying I love, in a way, makes me worry and freak out. I feel like a guy when it comes to relationships now! I show very little emotion and I am scared of commitment.

Anyways... I was going to try and keep this one a short blog, but I just have a lot on my little mind. Gooooood night world! I will see you in a few short hours when my alarm clock goes off and tells me that I have to get up early and get my butt back to work!

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I have mono... Oh joy!!

Well, for the past two weeks I have felt ran down and just crappy. At first my STUPID doctor was treating me for strep, so they gave me a wimpy antibiotic and sent me on my merry way. But As soon as I finished the medication (5 days later) I started feeling really sick again. And my Lymph nodes swelled up to the size of walnuts!! I am not even kidding. They were so big that I couldn't even turn my neck and it hurt to lift my head up off my pillow, and when I did, I felt like my neck was going to burst!! So I finally gave in and went and saw a ENT (Ear Nose and Throat) specialist. He took one look at me and said I had a bad case of mono. SO.... I have had to take a WEEK off of work because I need to rest up and get better... The past two weeks have been a living hell. I can barley eat because my throat hurts too much, and I wake up about every half hour at night. Until, my doctor prescribed with wonderful thing called Tylenol 3 and I take 4 Advil before I go to bed to help with the swelling in my liver, spleen, throat, neck, and all my little aches and pains from just laying around all day!

And boy oh boy, am i starting to freak out... I am planning on moving in 15 days.... That's two weeks plus one day! And with being sick for a week, and missing work... And the first months rent PLUS the Security depot it will be $1,125 bucks , which turns out to be $375 per person, But I just paid to get my car fixed because it broke down on me, on my way home from the hospital when I was getting blood drawn and getting tested for mono! So... The next month or two, I am going to be very stressed. Plus I am still on a hunt for a second job! So wish me luck.. Who's ever reading....

Itching to blog for a day or two now!

So, I realized that I am damn good liar. Yesterday, I was supposed to drive up to Breezy Point and have this huge choir shin-dig and sing like 6 hours a day and then tonight put on this mass concert deal. But on Monday I came down with a virus and I was in bed for 2 and a half days because my temp wouldn't go away and my lymph nodes were so swollen it even hurt to turn my head. The doctors said it's possibly mono, but put my on an antibiotic anyways. (Mono can't be treated with medications) SO, moral of this story, I decided to take a little vacation and not to to breezy point and sing to 12 hours in two days while still getting over what ever kicked my butt in the beginning of the week. I went to my boyfriends house and stayed there the past two days. I called him the night before I was supposed to leave, and said "I really don't want to go to this stupid choir thing I got myself into. I just need a vacation!!" He said, "So take one, stay with me" So I did. I told my choir director I was still feeling under the weather and the non stop singing and getting very little sleep would not be the best thing. And she agreed. (Which wasn't a lie) But, I told my grandma I was still going to this whole choir deal and I packed all my choir junk and left my house at 6 in the morning just to drive a whole 4 blocks away to Eric (my boyfriends house) just to convince grandma that I was still going.

It was so nice to get away for two days!! I have already taken them off from work since this whole choir trip was planned so I didn't have anything to do or to worry about! I didn't have to worry about keeping grandma happy, coming home on time, when I could go out and sneak a smoke after she had gone to bed, if my room was clean before I left the house, I was able to sleep in and just relax. And Eric, he's amazing. I know I say this about all guys that I have dated. But, he's truly amazing. Him gently running his fingers through my hair while laying on the couch watching a movie, falling asleep with him holding me in his arms at night, waking up with him kissing me on the forehead saying "Morning baby", and the way that he makes me feel beautiful when I am just in sweats and just getting up in the morning. To whomever is actually reading this, you may think it sounds creepy or whatever. But I love every single second of it. It's been a really long time since I was with someone with such a good heart and good intentions. (If ever! I've dated a lot of douchey people, that's for damn sure)

But I am off.. It's now 12:12AM and I have to get back to the real world and I have to get back to work tomorrow at 9AM until 6! I loved my little vacation that I had! One small problem with it though, it was too short.

I decided to blog again

Since I have a little more free time now, I thought blogging would be a fun thing to do again! As of right now a lot of things have changed.. My Brother joined the army and he will be gone for four years!!! Maybe more. He has completely turned his life around and has done a complete 180. He usually calls home about once a week and can talk for a few minutes and he actually called today! He's more of a big brother now, he's telling me to stay out of trouble for once and he tells me he loves me... It was so good to hear his voice today. I haven't talked to him in about a month, and I have missed him so much!

There has been a lot going on at home (I must admit I have brought it all on myself, but I think it's a lot of over reacting!) And grandma and I haven't been getting along at all! She tells me that I have until May 1st to move out, and honestly, I am 100% ready! I have been looking at apartments with a few friends, I could for sure afford to move out... Money will be tight, and some sacrifices will have to be made, but I am ready for the challenge!

I, once again, have a boyfriend. His Name is Eric and I have known of him since I was in 9th grade, but we starting dating about a month ago, when my VERY good friend Liana re- introduced us, when she kinda hooked us up on a blind date (That I made her attend with me!)

HOLY WOW, A lot has changed since I last blogged! I now see my dad, and my other grandparents about once a week now!! Every Thursday, Before I have my choir class, I drive to my grandparents and I stay there for several hours and I spend time with my family. Now that I am 20 years old, it's nice to start mending the broken relationships and to be part of a family that I have felt left out of ever since I could remember.