Life and family ..... Oh geez

I don't even know where to begin.... Life is a huge giant roller coaster right now... At night I can't sleep.... I'm either babysitting, working, with friends, or laying in bed trying to sleep... My mind is so cluttered with shit lately I think it might explode.

I found out tonight who really cares about me and who really is my family... My grandma has been sick for a while now... She has Parkinson's disease.

Over the years with My dad's side of the family I feel like I've been trying to act like an adult and I've been trying to form relationships with them... But I have found it impossible.. And now that my grandma is extremely sick and is dying... I have all these mixed emotions. What could I have done to be a better granddaughter? Called her more, made more plans with her more, offer to help? I don't know.

I feel like I have never really been good enough for My dads side of the family. I got a phone call from my sister tonight that grandma was really bad and I felt very grateful for her calling and letting me know... but why didn't our dad call and let either one of us know earlier...

When I was younger my dad had two heart attacks. I found out them days after the fact that they happened... The only reason why I found out about the second heart attack was because I had called my dad to ask him for my sisters address or phone number or something to that extent and my step mom told me he had a heart attack and that he was in the hospital...

Am I not good enough? Should I have tried harder to maintain a relationship with these people?

I am sad that my grandma is really sick.... but I am also very upset that nobody in the "family", Besides my sister, would call me... and or her to let us know what the hell is going on... If grandma doesn't make it to Christmas this year I don't think I am going... She's the only reason why I went to Christmas the past few years.. Just to see her and see how's shes doing, I think the rest of them really wouldn't care... They've never even celebrated my birthday which is the day before Christmas until two years when my big sister said something about it.

Anyways....

My brother just turned 21 today.... And my sister and I had a party for him at her townhouse. I woke up to a big crash in the kitchen and I see my brother peeing in a recycling bin butt ass naked in the kitchen..... How can somebody get that drunk and walk around naked peeing in random shit? I love my brother dearly... But he needs to stop drinking and learn how to cope with his problems sober. Which he hasn't been able to do since he was at least 15 years old..

What a world that we live in.....